Stuff I'm Listening To (8/8/23)

You may not believe it but, again, I have found myself relating to the letter writer in an episode of Dear Therapists (Alexis’s Controlling Family, S4 E9). I did not immediately recognize myself in the title of the episode but as is often the case, once Lori and Guy sniffed out the meat and bolts of the guest’s dilemma, I said, “Ahha! There I am!”

The lady, Alexis, survives in the world by asking for and expecting no help. She is so preoccupied with gauging other peoples’ emotional limits and reactivity that she’s 100% out of touch with her own emotions and emotional needs.

I found a dead body once and after my part with the emergency responders was done, an EMT asked me if there was anyone I could call because I didn’t look okay to drive myself home.

Of course there were people I could call but my body wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to worry anyone or make them drive any distance to pick me up or bother them at work. Even after I drove myself home, I didn’t tell anyone what happened until the next day.

When I say my body wouldn’t let me, I mean I could not press the call button on my phone. I could not imagine how I would start the conversation. What words would I use? What tone? What if the person I called said, “How are you?” or tried to make small talk? What if they said, “How can I help you right now?” I had no idea what to even ask for. Why would I reach out if I don’t know what to ask for? It would be silly. I’m fine.

So rather than let my capable friends and family help me through an internet-confirmed traumatic experience — because I thought, I can see into the future enough to know that they can’t help me AND more importantly, I’m not the kind of person who needs help or deserves help with this kind of stuff — I froze.

This event in my life is special for a lot of reasons and I may talk about it a lot. Because it changed me. Or it helped me see things I wanted to change. It took stumbling over a dead person for me to understand that I have body freezing up issues asking for help.

I love Dear Therapists because even though Alexis, the letter writer, and I have different growing up stories, enough about her family dynamic resonates with me, and helps me understand how we both got stuck on similar icebergs.

The other podcast I listened to was Pod Save America (Judge May Shush Trump…In America??). Nothing profound or therapy related but a wonderful thing I learned was that Jon Bon Jovi hand-wrote the lyrics to “It’s My Life,” had the paper framed and sent to Chris Christie who then presented it to President Zelensky during his rescent trip to Ukraine. Just, what a world, is all.

Stuff I'm Listening To (8-7-23)

Today I listened to most of Selfhealers Soundboard (E98 How To Forgive Yourself). Dr. Nicole LePera mentioned that she’s having trouble sleeping. I got upset about that and didn’t pay very much attention to the whole self-forgiveness part. I got upset because I think Dr. Nicole LePera is very successful — she has a great job; she’s surrounded by a mentally healthful community; she’s in a hot throuple — but even she is vulnerable to bad sleep.

And look, I’m not trying to be successful or happy or in a throuple or anything. I just want a nice brain. Like, I want my brain to be nice to me. Achieving and maintaining this nuanced modest goal depends on several things going well and sleep is the most important of those to me right now. And I’m also having trouble sleeping — or rather, the trouble is with waking suddenly. This morning, even though I was still tired, by brain turned on a bright neon sign right behind my eyes that said MONEY and blinked arrhythmically.

I guess what’s upsetting is learning and/or remembering that self-care is not a summit you arrive at and relax upon, even if you are a world-famous mental health influencer with a bunch of book deals. It is a hands and knees slog to Mordor and the friends you make along the way.

Later in the day I listened to Where Should We Begin With Esther Perel called I Crossed A Line I Never Thought I Would Cross (S6, E5). Esther talks to this poor women who is full of guilt because she had an affair. She’s doubled over with What Ifs about her ex — maybe we’d still be together, maybe we’d still be friends — who sounded terrible, by the way. The ex was mean and emotionally distant and sexually disinterested and is now dating the person the caller had the affair with.

My heart hurt for this lady. Esther explained that she’s not the piece of shit she thinks she is. Her inability to forgive herself is also a way she’s protecting herself from being consumed by and stuck in another co-dependent relationship. For some people, it’s easier/safer to ask and answer, “What’s wrong with me that I don’t deserve nice things like love? Oh yeah, I’m a monster,” than to interrogate why we repeat certain relationship dynamics over and over and over again.

I also listened to Marc Maron interview Alex Winter (WTF with Marc Maron E1459) and Conan O’Brien interview Matthew Rys (Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend, Matthew Rys Returns). Delightful men, all around.