Ask Fran

Dear Fran,

I need to be motivated to work on a story. It is difficult to work by myself. Do you have any advice?

Sincerely,

Norris

Dear Norris,

Your question and I have been wrestling for weeks.  This predicament stumps me, but I shall not let it defeat me. 

We must never admit defeat.  Not even when the bigger dog’s jaws are locked in our haunches.  Especially not then.

I do not work well with others.  I’m afraid they will want my things.  Or else I am distracted by a furious desire for their things. 

Additionally, if I am not motivated to do something, I will not do it.  And I can’t name a time I been anything but pleased with myself or my decisions. 

Now, I have been coerced into torturous situations by leashes, muzzles, and shock collars.  Only a monster would recommend these tools, but they are effective.   

When I need a thing – food, water, respect for boundaries, a cupboard to hide in when the sky is crumbling to pieces – God help the obstacles in my way because I will rip them into Nothing. 

I suppose the same can be said about the things I want – to take away from you whatever you have, to bark, to dig, to hold the weight of a limp squirrel in my mouth and then stand guard over it’s corpse until forever. 

Perhaps it would be best to ask yourself if the task you are confronting is a need, want or coercion?  If it is a mix of the three, fixate on the need and the want.  Fixate on the need and the want and charge it with hackles high.  

Ask Fran

Dear Fran,

Coming out of College, I was living a life, and then out of Grad School I was living about the same life with a lot more debt. Now, after working a long time, I have some level of (gross) "prestige?" But I still have the debt. Should I just hang on until I'm in my early 40s (not that far away these days), or consider other options: go full Heisneberg, or move to Guam????

I'll take my answer off-call.

Dear Caller,

The only debt worthy of repayment is vengeance.  Deliver it swiftly and with vigor.  Otherwise -- from experience -- you run the risk of forgetting the offense. 

Frankly, I’ve never concerned myself with the consequences of financial debt.

About prestige, here’s what I know:  pee on as many things as you can as often as you can.  Other dogs will pee on top of your pee.  But keep peeing!  Dig your claws in the earth and kick up chunks so that others know you were there and unaffected by their pee.

Years after the long night takes you, your odors will linger.  A discerning nose can read a summary of your biography that includes your sex, age, diet, fertility, objects you have touched, places you have traveled, and your emotional state.  As far as I know, none of the glands secrete information about your credit history.

That said, I have always identified as a Lilies-of-the-Field type.  Unless, again, we are pondering vengeance.  And if we are, you must pay all of that back with predatory interest.